My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The Olympian is in my bed
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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