my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
