my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
