This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
