She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
