Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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