I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
