I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
