so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
