Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You took a bar mat shot.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
