1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
