do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
