i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
