Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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