my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
