like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
