Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I have peed in a lot of sinks
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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