I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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