just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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