3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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