My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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