I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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