we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I look better un-naked...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
