I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
