Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
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He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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