before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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