time to smoke my breakfast
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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