If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
