Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
