i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
