did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps