don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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