when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
