Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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