the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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