I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
