tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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