I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
