Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
