i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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