i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
