Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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