Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
