Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
