$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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