someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
