I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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