i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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