He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
