when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize
