Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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