So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
