White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
