Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
