i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
