I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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