This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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