Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My penis needs a shock collar
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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