I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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