Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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