just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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