All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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