happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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