i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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