omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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