Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize